Issue Twenty Three, this fourteenth day of September, 2004

Don't mention the war

Guten abend mein hairies.

One of the delights of working in Sauron's dark domain is the melting pot of cultures and nationalities that one finds oneself, eh, melted into. Of course this does have its drawbacks - Sauron has this habit of interviewing and in some cases employing people who can't speak a word of English.

Although this makes day to day life in the Dark Tower somewhat problematic, I think I have fathomed his reasoning. It means that at coffee and in lab meetings (oh shit, yes; in lab meetings ever more so) Sauron is able to rabbit away at the most inconsequential (and indeed outrageous) topics without fear of contradiction, interruption, or even understanding.

In keeping with this plan we had a Korean join us in summer, who has spent quite a while in Japan - so the Honorable Companion has got someone to talk to. It's quite sweet watching them natter away to each other.

On a more sinister note, the Germans are coming, and have come. We have been joined by Hans and Lieselotte. Hans is a mad student just here for a few months, but Liesel is here for what appears to be an indefinite length of time.

I know how Poland felt.

Although they are very personable people, they are very German. You know the old joke; one German is enough for an argument, two for a debating society; and three for a war? They have both, repeatedly, told various members of the lab that 'that is not how we did it in Germany'. To which there are a number of responses, not all repeatable in polite company; the one I did come out with to Hans was 'You're not in Germany sonny, you're in the army now' which seems to have put an end to that particular failing.

Lieselotte however is a little more persistent. She complained bitterly to Grasshopper about the lack of mixer taps on baths. It is a good job I was not there at the time because I might have been tempted to point out that most of our houses are at least two hundred years old, and Germany was bombed to dust not that long ago so they had the opportunity to rebuild everything. Fast forward a couple of 'In Germany, we did it zis vay's to today, when we suddenly have the realization that we use methanol in our destain and that methanol is THE MOST DANGEROUS CHEMICAL EVA AND OMG WTF WERE ALL BREATHE IN THE FUMES AND GOING TO DIE 1111!!!11!

Seeing me dip my fingers in destain to catch a gel, and then telling her it just fixes the skin and is good for gardening didn't really help matters.

After trying to persuade her that thousands of scientists worldwide have been doing this for 30 years, that we're in a well-ventilated lab and that ethanol would be too expensive (and of course itself toxic. . .) I suggested that she go and talk to Health and Safety, because they had a duty to take her worries seriously. This one is going to run and run.

One side effect of three extra people in the lab is that it's very 'cosy'. The Doctor is doing his best to alleviate this problem by working at home on his First Year report. He's taking it far too seriously, but I guess that's because he's a medic and if he gets something wrong in the day job someone dies. Grasshopper has been doing his utmost to reduce overcrowding too - after taking a day's leave (fair enough) he rings up saying he's not coming in because he's 'tired'. Bloody hungover more like.

I did try to help by going on a trip to Doomsbury, but that was a bloody nightmare. The lifetime had a higher numerical value than the beam current. And there was no station manager. Add to this that before I went I couldn't get on an in house set because a certain ex-member of the department was using the set, blew the filament, and drained all the liquid nitrogen when Nitro Dave was absent. Furrfu.

The FAMIS/EBP debacle has had a rest over summer. Someone tipped off Private Eye; I am bitterly disappointed that I didn't think of it first. Big Dick thought Sauron did, but I suspect that whoever is putting up the sarky posters in the lift is responsible. The MRC Portal keeps putting a brave face on the situation - claiming that FAMIS had its first success, in meeting July's payroll!

Well yeah - there'd have been a bloody riot otherwise. Talking of money and lifts, it's interesting to note that the comparison of Lark vs MRC sequencing services has stopped showing how much money we've 'saved'. Hmm, wonder why?

One bright patch on the horizon. Sauron is planning to go to the U/S on Friday (hurricanes permitting) and instructed - instructed, mind you - me to order a new, G5 iMac for myself in return for setting up the networking in the lab. We seem to have put an end to this 'dumb terminal' nonsense. Go me!

Ich bin ein Berliner,

dein Richard