Grime on the Patient Mariners

  And it came to pass that our
stalwart mariners were faced
with a profound quandary, as the water
became exasperatingly stagnant, though
quite what this has to do with
antidisestablishmentarianism is unclear.
  Teetotalitarianism can however be
cited since they had never a drop of
alcoholicic {hic!} refreshment, not since the
third hour of the morning anyway,
although it had gone direct to their heads
{show me the way to go home, et cetera}.
  Davidus proved for several nail-biting
moments that he would be a better
punter at Ascot than on the Amazon
Delta, or rather Delta minus, or rather, it
dealt a major blow to Western
civilisation as we know it.P
  Thus it was that the Four sailed
abroad for a time and a day, being
treated to a sumptuous breakfast, during
which no effort was spared to ensure a
delicious coating of crumbs, butter and
honey on their D.J.'s and ballgown.
  But there were yet many dangers
ahead. The fleets of distant nations
showed exceeding increase since the
break of day, and many minor skirmishes
with passing vessels came to pass, even
marauding raids from trees along the
coastline, and from time to time the
cry of "Duck!" broke forth, whereupon
all crouched down with exceeding
haste, or cast burnt toast upon the
water - whichever course of action
seemed the more appropiate at the time.P
In time, after winning over the local
fishermen, they moored the ship, and
with much puffing and panting they
hauled her {that is, the ship; not the
Lady Jane} over the mountain range.
  And it came to pass that on a
distant shore a rather extraordinary
tribe of savages were espied, who
were "open to the public" for the day,
causing exceeding consternation to
the Lady Jane, who found spectacles
of this kind most unbecoming {in
general she had a preference for
contact lenses}.
  But greater woes were to face the
intrepid travellers, as Milvus, who
could never be described as stuck-in-the-
mud, left his stick-in-the-mud, and aP
great feat of circumnavigation was
required in order to retrieve it.
  This goal being achieved, the
mariners were pursued by a flotilla of
ducks, stretching as far as the eye
could see, and on several occasions
collided with oncoming ships, one of
whom {quite incorrectly} accused them
of "drunken driving". A yet greater
peril arose when Lady Jane offered
to take the helm, followed close on
her footsteps by Davidus, who seemed
intent on driving the vessel into the
middle of a bush.
  And it came to pass that there
happended on board a severe Hilaria
outbreak, which was cured only by
everybody standing up at once, causingP
a distinct wobble {reminiscent of the
shoes of the Lady Duttina}. The
problem was compounded by the
sudden fuel shortage {a dire lack of
Extra Strong Mints}, causing the
Lady Jane to take up the rôle of
Boadicea at the front of the ship
with the paddle, in a manner which
might be described as oarful. Here her
distant lineage from Alexander the
Great should be noted.
  With these noble strokes they
finally came ashore at the White
Cliffs of Dover {truly a momentous
occasion in the history of stiletto
heels and candiflux}, after which a
final survivor's photograph was taken
in situ.P
  And so it was tht the tale of the
Grime on the Patient Mariners
was at last recorded for the benefit
of posterity.