Grime on the Patient Mariners

- an Illuminating Manuscript

Chapter One

  Davidus reclined on the banks of Amazon,
raptL in solitude {but methought he was
wearing a D.J.} accompaniedL only by his trusty
one omer ThermosL Flask, filled to the brim
with a substance something resembling coffee,
when Milvus arrived exhausted. Together
they bravely attempted to breach the Walls of
the Porter's Lodge, which proved to be desolate
and unmannedL. "Quam-quam hic haec hoc"
Milvus failed toL exclaim in Latin {it being
that time in the morning}, eftsoons they
redeemed the Quay to the Harbour wherein
the "Dawn Treader" lay. The raid was an
opportune time for the Lady Karenina {she of
the bouquet and hypothetical spouse of Davidus} to
fill in the signingL-out scroll, previous to her
lengthy trek back to Iceland {someplace North
of Kidlington}. Armed only with a CatercardP
they then attempted an intrepid assault on the
kitchens. After fighting off hordes of nubile
young ladies {well, two actually}, the Keeper of
the College Croissants handed over five of the
aforementioned objects on a silver platter {id est,
silver foil}. But whither listeth Glenneth?
Davidus and Milvus did launch a major
search, in the course of which they noted the close
likeness of the Door of Glenneth to a fuzzy felt
board, and they felt a great longing to cover it
with little furry animals {but not Beetles and
  After some time was Glenneth rediscovered,
and the intrepid three did set sail down the
Amazon aboard the "Dawn Treader" to rescue
the Lady Jane, afore she provided breakfast for
the crocs. And they steered a steady course
through the jungle, navigating the unchartedP
backwaters by the noble Captain Glenneth. But it
came to pass after hauling the ship over a high
mountain range and descending to the Niagra Falls
that disaster nearly struck as the ship broke
forth from his anchorage and sailed forth hopelessly into
the open sea. To the astonishment of all, the noble
Captain Glenneth set to a major rescue operation;
without concern for his own safety he leapt onto the ship
and steered it safely back to shoe - much to the
amusement of the Lady Jane, whose resemblance to
Mary, Queen of Scots was becoming less and less
every minute.
  Enter Gerbilius, who had just decided to join the
Half Marathon to LMH and back, and was in dire
need of a Jaffa Cake. All were now prepared for
the epic voyage down to Magdalen, and with the
two ships they set sail once more. But many
perils lay ahead. Near starvation on one vessel wasP
averted only by throwing Jaffa Cakes at the crew.
  Sporadic attacks from trees along the shore
resulted in numerous near-excommunications.
And croutons of burnt toast were thrown to ward
off the flotilla of ducks and moorhens. The final
test of our intrepid voyagers was a wrong turning,
which nearly caused them to end up prematurely in
Catford. But this desperate fate was narrowly
averted, and it came to pass that the Patient
Mariners arrived at their destination, shaken
but not stirred, and delivered by the love
of God from a Colossal Fine.P


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Capital detail